Roomies
by Janine1
Summary: Lister and Rimmer both get sick of eachother and get new room mates. review please! Just finished! I think you will like it.
1. Chapter 1

Roomies  
  
PG  
  
Janine Morris  
  
For the most part, I don't own these characters. Even the ones I make up, I don't care if other people use them.  
  
This takes place before the radiation leak, and even before Lister went into stasis. Enjoy the story! REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW!!!!  
  
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"Lister, you are the equivalent of a disgusting animal!!" Shouted Rimmer. Rimmer was getting pissed. He was so sick of Lister. Making messes, acting disgusting, calling him things that should be putting him into imprisonment, but didn't. Was it his fault that Captain Hollister hated him, and never took his complaints seriously?  
  
Rimmer kicked over Lister's laundry hamper. He plugged his nose at the smell of his socks realizing that what he had just done was a mistake. "This is gross! Why do you never clean this up?"  
  
Lister shrugged and took another bite of the sandwich he had in his hand. A huge glob of mustard dripped out and ran down his shirt right as he did so.  
  
"LISTER!!! You are such a pig and I refuse to put up with it anymore!" Shouted Rimmer, as he saw what had happened.  
  
Rimmer stormed out of the room. He tried to walk like he was in charge. His attempt looked like he had wet his pants. Rimmer pounded his fist on to the lift button. About a minute later the door opened. It was crowded, and Rimmer had to squeeze into the corner to fit. Since he couldn't reach the buttons he shouted "Captain's floor, and get a smegging move on it."  
  
Several people stared at Rimmer in disgust. Rimmer didn't care.  
  
Finally after a long time of standing there and growling, The Lift door opened to the floor Rimmer wanted. He had to push his way out, and happened to push someone over. He didn't bother to look at who it was.  
  
"Rimmer you arsehole!" It was a female voice. Rimmer didn't turn to see who it was. He just ran the rest of the way to the captain's office and barged in the door.  
  
Captain Hollister was in his office lecturing about 5 senior office. At the sight of Rimmer his eyes narrowed.  
  
Quickly, Rimmer did a double Rimmer. Quickly, being the key word. He did the whole entire thing in about 5 seconds, looking like an old movie on fast forward. "Captain Hollister, a word please?"  
  
The option of pushing Rimmer out the door and slamming it in his face ran through Hollister's head. Finally he sighed "Rimmer, you don't have an appointment."  
  
Rimmer spoke with his head perfectly straight, and pointed upward. "I know, sir, but it's important!"  
  
Hollister sighed, hitting himself in the head a few times "Make it quick, Rimmer" He managed to mumble.  
  
"I refuse to share my quarters with Lister any longer. I'm begging you to give me a new room mate! I'll do anything." Rimmer got down on one knee and began to beg.  
  
"Fine, Fine Rimmer. I'll have a new room mate for you by morning. Now just leave me alone!" 


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2  
  
Authors note: hey! I got absolutely no reviews on chapter 1, but I decided to just continue anyway. Hope you guys like it (sob sob)  
  
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Rimmer took a long sigh. He laid down on his bunk like he was laying on a beach chair on one of the finest beaches in the world. He folded his hands behind his neck, and crossed his legs. He took a long sigh. "Listy Listy Listy" he began. "This is the last night I will ever have to sleep in the same room as you." Just the thought of it made him smile.  
  
"Really?" Asked Lister through a mouthful of vindaloo.  
  
Rimmer took another long sigh of relief. "Just about anybody has got to be a better room mate then you, Listy."  
  
"Really?" Said Lister again. He opened up a magazine and pretended to read it.  
  
Rimmer began to smile. "Oh, I wonder who it will be!" He almost sounded like a little girl as he said it.  
  
"Really?" Mumbled Lister.  
  
Rimmer grunted "Lister! I Know you are doing that just to annoy me!" Shouted Rimmer, then he realized... "Calm down Rimsy, its just one night" He mumbled to himself.  
  
Lister giggled and finished up his Vindaloo. I walked over to the table and put the container upside down over Rimmer's clean uniform so the excess would drip down and cause a large stain.  
  
Rimmer's face began to get red, then purple. "Lister! That was clean."  
  
"whoops" Lister looked like he was about to burst out laughing. It was strange, because his jokes never really got him into hysterical laughter, unless it was a really good one, but all he had done was stain Rimmer's uniform.  
  
"I am so glad Hollister finally came to his senses. He finally realized that I am way to good to be your room mate, and that I deserve better." Rimmer raised his head and looked up sideways.  
  
"Right, Rimmer" Lister giggled sarcastically.  
  
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There was a soft knock at the door, and then it flew open.  
  
"Lets make this quick, Rimmer. Come with me, and bring your things." It was Captain Hollister.  
  
Rimmer had a huge pathedic grin on his face. He grabbed the bag he had packed and followed Hollister out the door.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Lister!!!" shouted a very, happy, big, blonde Man.  
  
  
  
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To Be Continued… 


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3  
  
Authors note: still no reviews on this story yet! What is it with you people? I don't care if you don't like my FF, you don't need to lie. But please, just review. I wanna know what you even think. I don't think anybody has even read it yet. In fact, I bet this line will NEVER be read! Oh well, I am gonna finish the story anyway! =P  
  
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"Peterson?" Lister stared at his friend in the doorway.  
  
Peterson had a large duffle bag over his shoulder. He looked a little bit drunk. "I've been re assigned this sleeping unit. Were roomies!" Peterson, from the doorway, swung his duffle bag, tossing it onto the empty bottom bunk. Then, took a few paced and then jumped onto it himself, shaking the whole unit.  
  
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Rimmer followed Hollister with a big grin on his face. They both stepped into the lift and traveled down a few floors, and then stepped out.  
  
Hollister lead Rimmer to sleeping unit 1619 and said "open" The door opened to show a room looking a lot like Rimmer's old one. No one was inside.  
  
"I expect that I will no longer have to put up with your complaints. I'll be going now. If you need anything… forget it" Hollister walked away.  
  
Rimmer took a look around and set his bag down on the bottom bunk. The room was almost empty. There was a small bookshelf full of manuals and thick science books about space and physics and everything.  
  
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"That's four, lets try and make five" Said Peterson. He threw another single grain of rice into the air. Lister ran into its path, opened his mouth and caught it.  
  
"That's more than I can do, Lister." Said Peterson.  
  
"Give it a try. Just keep your eye on the rice." Said Lister. He picked up a grain of rice and threw it. Peterson imitated Lister. The grain of rice bounced off his nose and fell on the floor.  
  
Lister threw another, this time it fell somewhere in Peterson's hair.  
  
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To Be continued soon (as if anyone cares) 


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4  
  
Authors note: Hello, I am well aware the last 3 chapters really sucked, but I promise its going to get better because I finally know how it will end! YAAAAY! I guess this chapter is dedicated to My brother Ian for helping me come up with the idea for the rest! Hope ya' like it, and hope I know Red Dwarf well enough that this fits in! Enjoy, and thanks for finally reviewing, I really appreciate it.  
  
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"Hello, mate. Are you Arnold Rimmer?" came a voice from the open doorway.  
  
"Why yes, I am" Rimmer replied. Rimmer looked up at who was there.  
  
At the door was a man who was about Rimmer's height. He had reddish brown hair parted neatly at the side. He was wearing a space corps uniform.  
  
"I'm Richard Johnson. Well, you look very sensible. A big, and much needed improvement to Peterson." Johnson reached out a hand to shake Rimmer's.  
  
Rimmer shook it. "I used to be Lister's room mate. This will be a big improvement." Smiled Rimmer.  
  
"I like to dedicate about an hour or so every evening to studying for exams. I'm going to become an officer one of these days, you know." Johnson explained.  
  
"Really?" exclaimed Rimmer "That's wonderful. I need to study for my exams, as well."  
  
"Marvelous! Perhaps we can study together."  
  
This was amazing. Exactly the kind of roomie Rimmer dreamed of having. God had finally answered his prayers.  
  
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"Its about time I get rid of Rimmer." exclaimed Lister. So far, he had been having the time of his life in the 3 hours since Rimmer had been gone.  
  
Peterson let out a huge sneeze "Mate, I think I'm coming down with something."  
  
Lister opened up another can of beer and chugged it down. "Take a swig of this. It can cure anything." Lister lied.  
  
Peterson chugged down another can of beer and let out a belch, followed by a sneeze, and another sneeze.  
  
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Johnson and Rimmer both had their noses buried in books. It was their time to officially study. They were both taking the same exam. Rimmer had suggested cheating, but Johnson dismissed the idea. Cheating was unfair and he would not be a part of it.  
  
Johnson had worked hard to be were he was at now, And that was no where. He remembered his early days at home with his five brothers and sisters. Their father had left them (they didn't really have a father. Their mother had been a prostitute) It was hard for them to get food. They often spent many days without eating. Richard had been the oldest, and smartest of his siblings. He had dreamed of being an officer all his life. He would stay after school in the library as long as he could to study.  
  
Eventually their mother got a better job, and they were able to move from their apartment into a small house. Things were great for a long time, until their mothers former Pimp burned down their house. He was never caught, but they had seen him, and knew it was him who did it. They had no insurance and stayed with relative for months until they could finally afford another cramped apartment.  
  
Since their was no money for collage, Richard had joined the space corps as a third technician, and figured he would work his way up to his dream of officer hood.  
  
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Often, Rimmer loathed on about his family and how much he hated them. They became good friends. Rimmer had told Johnson almost everything about himself, but Johnson never spoke a word about his childhood or family. Johnson never had told anybody, and wasn't going to start here. He didn't want anybody's sympathy. He wanted to become an officer because he earned it, not because of cheating, or sympathy. That was that.  
  
Johnson knew in his mind that Rimmer's troubles didn't even compare to his own, but he never bothered to tell him or even disagree with what Rimmer was saying.  
  
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"Lister, I went down to the medi bay. They say there is nothing wrong with me, I felt fine when I was up there. They say its an allergic reaction. You don't suppose I am allergic to you or something, do you?" Said Peterson, through sneezes and sniffles.  
  
"Nah, man. We would have known by now." Said Lister.  
  
"Maybe its your socks." Said Peterson.  
  
"Could be." Said Lister  
  
"I'll do you a favor and take them to the wash." Peterson picked up Lister's hamper and walked out of the room.  
  
About a minute after Peterson left the room. Lister exclaimed "Lock" The door locked. Lister went into his closet and unlocked Frankenstein's box. The black, elegant cat stretched out, and waltzed around the room. Her stomach had almost grown double its size since Lister had seen her last.  
  
"Awww, girl. I wonder when the kittens will be coming"  
  
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What will happen next? Who knows. Lol… TO BE CONTINUED!! 


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5  
  
Authors note: like how it is so far? Review review review!  
  
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A month went by, Peterson's allergic reaction got worse every day, Rimmer and Johnson became good friends. Rimmer had even told him about gazpacho soup day. Johnson was a good listener.  
  
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Lister strolled down the hall. He caught sight of Rimmer. "Hey Rimmer man. How's life with Johnson?" Lister asked.  
  
"Wonderful. How's life in slobs Ville?"  
  
Lister didn't answer. He took the lift up to his floor. "Open"  
  
"Haaaaaatchooooooooo" Peterson's nose was bright red.  
  
~~~~~  
  
"Lister, there is something in this room making me sneeze." Peterson exclaimed.  
  
"Really? I haven't a smegging clue what it could be."  
  
Peterson sneezed again "I am searching this entire room until I find it!" he shouted. Peterson got down on his hands and knees and began to search.  
  
"Peterson, I don't think you have to do that." Lister exclaimed hesitantly.  
  
"Oh yes I do!" Peterson searched everywhere he could see, throwing things aside, and sniffing then to see if they caused the sneezing reaction. "Lister, aren't you going to help me with this?"  
  
"I would, but I've got to go, I have a date with Kristine Kochanski." Lister said her name as if she was some sort of queen.  
  
"Kochanski? Since when have you been dating her?" sneeze  
  
"Since this morning when she finally said she would go out with me." Bragged Lister.  
  
"You lucky bastard! I asked her out once. She dumped out her soup on my lap. They were my good pants." *sneeze*  
  
Lister checked his watch. "Well, I'd better be going, Man." With that, Lister strolled out the door.  
  
Peterson continued to search the entire room, He looked for hours until his thoughts were interrupted by a faint "Meow"  
  
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"Rimmer. I have signed us both up to take our exams tomorrow." Said Johnson, as he entered.  
  
This news startled Rimmer "What?" he almost shouted.  
  
"You heard me. We are ready" Johnson nodded.  
  
Rimmer nodded nervously. He was too timid to admit that he wasn't even near ready! He had spent most of their study time savoring the silent moments, deep in his thoughts.  
  
Johnson left the room. Rimmer started on a nervous breakdown. Eventually he realized his only options were to either cram, or cheat.  
  
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"A cat?" Peterson said out loud. Lister had been keeping a cat? Peterson was dangerously allergic to cats.  
  
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"Thank god for skutters" muttered Rimmer, inside his quarters. Rimmer had decided he would Cheat and cram at the same time. He bribed a skutter into getting him memory drugs. Memory drugs increased Your memory's capacity for a number of hours, and allowed you to memorize a large amount of information word for word, and be able to recall it. The only drawback was, after the drugs wore off you had no memory of any information you memorized while on the drug. They were illegal on the ship, but the skutters could get anything.  
  
Nobody ever checked to see if anyone taking the test was on any of these drugs. They were supposed to, but never did. The guards were lazy and never cared one way or another.  
  
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Oops, I meant to write more in this chapter, but I have homework to finish, g2g bye! More soon 


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6  
  
Authors note: Thanks for all the reviews. Am I writing faster then you can keep up? Lets just say I have too much spare time and leave it at that.  
  
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Rimmer was just about to spend his entire night memorizing as much useless information as he could, when it was almost like God answered his prayers right then and there. On top of Johnson's bunk was an open notebook, just sitting there. It was the book where Johnson had practiced, and composed all the answers for the exam. It was right there, his ticket to becoming an officer. Right in front of him, dammit!  
  
"Lock" He whispered, so he would not be caught. He grabbed the notebook off the bunk and began to read them to himself. The memory drugs did the rest. It only took him twenty minutes. After he had read the entire thing, he was able to say it back word for word. "Oh sweet technology!"  
  
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"Lister, I can't believe you smuggled a cat on board!" shouted Peterson.  
  
"keep it down." Whispered Lister.  
  
"Lister, I can't stand cats!" Peterson had his nose plugged while he said it, so it sounded even weirder than usual.  
  
"Hey, how come Kris knew about that cat today? I am going to get in trouble now for sure. She broke up with me, and now she knows about the cat." Mumbled Lister. He sad down on his bunk and slumped.  
  
"Because, I told her." Smiled Peterson.  
  
"You did what?!?" Lister shouted, not being able to hold it back.  
  
Peterson nodded.  
  
Lister could have gotten angry enough to explode at that very moment, but instead, he just sighed.  
  
"Open" It was some short little officer. "Lister"  
  
"Yea?" asked Lister.  
  
"You need to go to the captain's office ASAP" He nodded, and walked off. Lister got up. On his way, he passed Kochanski.  
  
"Hey, where's the captains office?"  
  
"Over there, where it says 'captain's office', where its always said 'captain's office'."  
  
"Oh, so that's the captain's office." (sound familiar?)  
  
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It was finally exam time. Rimmer felt dizzy, like he was on drugs, but he was completely sober, well, accept for memory drugs. He took many deep breaths before all the information finally came back. It ran through his mind so fast it seemed near impossible for his pen to keep up. His writing was sloppy, and he made spelling mistakes, but at least the information was there.  
  
Rimmer glanced over at Johnson's paper. Is writing was neat and readable. Rimmer could have just copied it right off his paper if he had wanted to, but that kind of cheating was way too juvenile.  
  
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"So, Rimmer. How do you think you did?" asked Johnson. He looked quite confidant.  
  
"Oh, I think I did alright." Rimmer smiled. He would finally become an officer!!!!!! He had to contain himself. He was ready to just so high for joy it would throw off the gravity of the entire ship.  
  
"Did you hear that Dave Lister, your old room mate, has gone into stasis for violating quarantine regs?" asked Johnson, with a slight look of concern on his face.  
  
Rimmer's eyes widened a little with the news. "No, I hadn't heard that."  
  
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Like it? More real soon, like in 2 days or less. That's how fast I am! 


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7  
  
AN: Sorry this is later then I promised.  
  
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Life as an officer was everything Rimmer dreamed of. It was his own personal paradise. He had only been an officer for 2 days, and he loved every savory moment of it. So many people who used to step on him, and walk over him, were congratulating him. It took him 9 times, but he was finally an officer!  
  
His entire life, all he wanted was these moments! He knew he could have done anything! Given the opportunity, he would have gladly had his eyes scooped out to become an officer (That was from Infinity Welcomes Careful Drivers) He was tired of being a failure, like he had been his entire life. Always the one who was hidden, and pushed around, and frowned upon. His own mother had one said: "My boys, my clever, clever boys. Johnny the Captain, Frankie the first officer, Howie the Test Pilot, and Arnold… Arnold, the chicken soup machine cleaner. If you could sue sperm, I'd sue the sperm that made you"  
  
Then Rimmer had said "I'll do it, Mother. One day, I will become an officer."  
  
Then she said "And on that day, Satan will be going to work in a snow plow" (that dialog is all from the book, don't sue me)  
  
Well he finally smegging was one! He had the urge to write his mother and brag, and ask if Satan was having any trouble plowing to work that day. An even bigger smile spread across his face.  
  
He wanted to brag to Lister, but he was in stasis.  
  
Sure, Rimmer felt really bad about what he had done, but he tried his hardest to put that out of his mind. Still, every time he put it out, right back it came into his mind! He knew what he did was wrong. Only once in his life had he done something wrong, or not allowed. That was the time he tried to copy the entire text book on his body. He could still remember that time. He had accidentally put two Septembers on his revision Timetable, so the exam came a month before he was ready. In 20 minutes, he copied as much of the text book on his body as possible. He had been so nervous that day. In the end, when he only were two questions to go, he had been sweating so much his body was an inky blob. He had taken a shot in the dark and ran his hand down his inky arm and placed his balm print on the exam, and signed the bottom and handed it in. Needless to say, that attempt had failed. But now, Rimmer had cheated, and it had worked. Now he couldn't even remember a thing he once knew like his own name. The drugs had long warn off.  
  
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Captain Hollister had to look over Rimmer's exam seven times to make sure it was right. How could that be possible? Rimmer passing his exams? It just couldn't really be true, yet it was, because everything on the paper was correct, accept for a few, but he had done more then he needed to, so it was still enough to pass. He put down Rimmer's exam and began to look at the rest. He picked up Richard Johnson's paper. That guy really had what was needed to become an officer.  
  
Hollister began to read over Johnson's answered. They sounded so familiar, like he had read them seven or eight times, but he knew he hadn't. Then it hit him. Johnson was Rimmer's room mate. Rimmer would do anything to become an officer. Quickly, he pulled out Rimmer's exam. Just as he though. Word for word, exactly the same.  
  
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"Rimmer, have you any idea why the captain wants to see us?" asked Johnson.  
  
Rimmer knew "no"  
  
The two men walked side by side up the Xpress lift.  
  
They had to wait fifteen minutes before Hollister finally got off the phone. "I want you to, by any means necessary, find that smegging cat!" and with that, he slammed the phone down, and smiled at Rimmer and Johnson, mostly at Johnson.  
  
Without any explanation, he help up both of their exams and said "Who cheated?"  
  
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Dun dun dun!! To be continued! 


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8  
  
This was why Rimmer never cheated or stepped out of the line. Because of the fear of getting caught. 'so, I guess this is what happens when you cheat' he thought.  
  
Rimmer and Johnson were both separated. Something about the ships policy when two people were involved in something.  
  
Rimmer sat in the interrogation room under the hot light. Above him, stood three men, one being captain Hollister. Rimmer slumped down in his chair. He was shivering.  
  
"So, Rimmer. Did you cheat on your exam?" asked one of the men.  
  
"Look at him, you can tell he did" said another.  
  
"Ok, Rimmer, how did you cheat, no lies. The truth" Said Hollister.  
  
"…me-me-memory drugs…" It was beginning to get very hard for him to talk, his throat began to swell up. This only happened when he was really scared.  
  
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"Alright, alright. I'll tell you. I used Memory drugs! I found them on Rimmer's bunk. But I had my answers written out already. I just needed some re assurance." Blurted out Johnson.  
  
"Richard, you are aware that those are illegal."  
  
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Johnson and Rimmer had been waiting outside the captains office while he thought of a punishment for almost an hour. Johnson was bright red with anger…at Rimmer.  
  
"I'll never let you live if we are sentenced to imprisonment, you scum." Death was in his eyes.  
  
Rimmer looked down at the ground. Why had he cheated? Why couldn't he have just studied? "sorry"  
  
"Alright you two" The door to the captain's office opened. "I'm ready to announce your punishments."  
  
They both entered the room and sat down.  
  
"Since it is a first offence. I'll go easier on you guys. You're memory drugs will be confiscated, your exams will be ripped up, and you are both demoted back to technicians. Plus, you both have to repair the drive plate. Its malfunctioning again. Well, get a move on."  
  
They both nodded and scurried out of the room.  
  
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"Hand my a 99c wrench"  
  
"Rimmer, this is your fault! I'm not an officer because of you." Growled Johnson  
  
"99c please."  
  
"this whole entire time all you could do was complain about your life. Did it ever occur to you that some people have it worse?"  
  
"99c"  
  
"You never even realized that my mother was a hooker, and I had to single handedly raise 4 other children, and protect them. I often went days without food…"  
  
"GIVE ME THE SMEGGING 99C WRENCH!!!!" Shouted Rimmer, like he would often do to Lister.  
  
"Oh, shut the smeg up, here it is." Johnson handed it to him.  
  
"almost done." Rimmer announced.  
  
"I assume you can finish it yourself. I'm getting a snack."  
  
Rimmer made the last few adjustments, and finally it was done. Perfectly.  
  
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Johnson returned into the room, A bowl of hot soup in his hand. "Oh Look, Rimmer. My soup is cold. I'd better send it back to the chef."  
  
Rimmer peered inside the bowl. He recognized its red, lumpiness. It was gazpacho soup. How could he? How smegging could he?!?  
  
At that moment, Rimmer did something he never would have done in any other circumstance. He pulled his arms back, and released them, giving Johnson a swift punch right in the middle of the face, pushing him clear to the back of the room. His body slammed against the drive plate, causing pieces to fly off.  
  
Johnson, re gaining his scenes, charged at Rimmer, full speed slamming him against the other wall.  
  
It went on like that until both men lay on the ground helpless and in pain. Since the were both pretty weak and flabby, not much blood was shed.  
  
Finally, they both realized what happened to the drive plate. They got up and put the pieces back where it looked like they would go.  
  
"You, this is your fault." Growled Johnson.  
  
Rimmer realized it was, he didn't have to push Johnson just because the opportunity came up. Rimmer dashed up to the captains office and explained that he hadn't repaired the drive plate properly, and he would take full responsibility.  
  
At that moment, the drive plate began to buzz, then rumble, before they knew it, it was shaking. In a heartbeat, it exploded into a cloud of fire and radiation, it spread to the entire ship within a minute. The fire killed the entire crew, the last thing anyone heard before the big black out was...  
  
"gazpacho soup!"  
  
~*~*~*~*~*  
  
THE END!!!! 


End file.
